Bereaved Parent's wish list

3.   If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child,
     I wish you would know it isn't because you have hurt me.
     My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked
     about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief.

4. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you
wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

5.   I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I
     also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might
     cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my
     favorite topic of the day.

6.   I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know
     that my child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me
     know those things through a phone call, a card, a note or a
     real big hug!

7.   I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months.
     These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could
     understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the
     death of my child until the day I die.

9.   I am working very hard on my recovery but I wish you could
     understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss
     my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

10. I don't want to have a "pity party" but I do wish you would
let me grieve. I must hurt before I heal.

11. I wish you understood how my life has been shattered. I know
it is misearable for you to be around me when I'm feeling
miserable. Please be patient with me as I am with you.

12. When I say "I am doing ok" I wish you could understand that I
don't "feel" ok and that I struggle daily.

13. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions that I'm having
     are normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming
     sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet
     and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

14. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice.
     However, a day is too much and fast for me right now. I wish
     you could understand that I am doing good to handle one hour at
     a time.

15. Please excuse me if I seem rude, that's certainly not my intent.
     Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off.
     When I walk away I wish you would let me find a quiet place to be
     alone.

16. I wish you could understand that grief changes people. When my
     child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same
     person I was before my child died, and I will ever be that person
     again.

17. I wish very much that you could understand my loss and grief, my
silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray daily that
you will never understand!

1998 Kaathy Freeman, Remembering Treveor, 1000 Deaths Writing project.