JB passed away Saturday August 5th, 2006 - Just a few weeks before his 21st Birthday, and 2 hours after he married his childhood sweetheart Emily Cook.
He had Non-Hodgkins T-cell Lymphoma. He was first diagnosed in Oct of 2004, and was treated at Doernbecher's Children's Hospital in Portland Oregon
__________________AUG 21,1985 - AUG 5, 2006____________________
Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people.
But you never forget them. And sometimes,
its those memories that give us faith to go on.
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Sat November 1st: Wow! The holidays are just around the corner. I think I will be a little more into Christmas then I have been the last few years. It is so hard to be without JB at the family events. We talk about him, and that is good for us all! I am making my presents this year. I enjoy my crafty creations. Hope to hear from you all! Lori
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Wed October 15th, 2008: My step mom lost her battle with cancer a few short hours ago. She started her fight with breast cancer several years ago. My dad passed away from a heart attack the year before JB passed away. My dad and step mom were married for 24 years before he passed away. They married my senior year in high school in 1980.
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October 7, 2008: Hello to you all. I am still really liking my new job at Avamere. It is very very busy, but rewarding. Nick has started back to school at Chemeketa. He goes two days a week, and is working. Him and Pat will move in the next 6 months I believe. It has helped us all to be together in the same house this last year or so, and to heal and hurt together, but it is hard to have the ex living with me after 10 years of being single and divorced. We get along most of the time, but have our moments. I am looking for a part time job to keep me busy. I went on a cruise to Seaside in the bug with Rose City Volksters back in September. It was fun. We drove right out on the beach. I will try to upload some photos. I hope you all have a happy and safe Halloween.
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Thursday August 21st. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEREMY! I so wish I could hold you in my arms today and wish you a happy 23rd birthday. Just a few short weeks ago was your 2nd birthday in heaven. It hardly seems real to me at times. I miss your laugh, your smile, your sense of humor, your grumpy days, your happy days. I miss so many things about you, but I miss your hugs the most, and saying I love you. I still struggle with my belief in god since you've been gone. I know if there is a heaven, that you are there. It will take many many years for the pain to soften, and for my heart to mend. I will always miss you, and will always smile wihen I think of my big brown eyed boy! I love you, and miss you!
Holly and I took flowers out of her yard up to the cemetery today for JB's birthday! This year is easier then last for sure. It is hard because I miss all the gang. Scott, Kris, Gwen, Emily..... and all the rest of you too. I would love to hear from you all. I miss you guys. Love to you all! Lori
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Saturday August 2nd, 2008: It seems like just yesterday to me, but it will be 2 years on Tuesday since I lost my wonderful, funny, cute, and loving Jeremy. I have decided life does go on, and I will survive this nightmare. Some things have gotten better. It seemed like all I did for over a year was cry and cry and cry. I couldn't wait to get home from work so I could let down my guard and cry. I have gotten past that to some extent. I still cry, but not like I used too. I never know what will set me off, and find myself in tears at very odd times. I can never explain the emotions and pain of losing a child, and the ups and downs of everyday life that seem to be so hard to get thru at times. I dread holidays, birthdays, family reunions, and events that JB spent with us in the past. I know that is wrong, but it seems so wrong to me that he is not with us. I find myself feeling sad at the thought of not seeing JB raise his children, and feel cheated that I won't experience being a grandma to his children. I am sure Nick is feeling the pressure to pick up the slack. He is having his own struggles with all of this. He trys to hide it, but I know he is hurting. It has changed all of our lives, and we will continue to heal and mend our broken hearts. I wanted to be at church tomorrow in memory of JB, but there is a big bug event at PIR. We are putting the bug in the car show. I know JB would be proud. It makes me proud to share his story and to show it. There are only a couple events of this type each year. I was missing him today horribly, and just got in the bug and drove up to the cemetery. That always make me feel better, and closer to him. It is a way for me to release my sorrow and pain and to feel close to my son. I don't always just go to the cemetery. I drive it as much as I can. It makes people smile, and I laugh everytime I see kids and adults turn around and slug the person next to them. "SLUG BUG" they say as the land the punch. When Scott and I drove the bug in the parade last year he said, "wow...we are bringing out the worst in people".... we laughed as we witnessed many people slugging one another as we went past. I'm heading to bed, so I can get up early and drive the bug to Portland International Speedway to join all the other crazy VW fans. It is a fun to see some of the crazy things people do. At Woodburn there was a bug that looked like a chia pet. I will have to download the photos this week. So come back and check out the bug show pics soon. Love to you all! Lori
Wed July 16th, 2008: We had great fun at the Relay for Life event this year. Thank you to Trina and Holly and all of you who walked the track in memory and honor of our loved ones. I have missed JB so much the last few weeks. I always miss him, but have been more emotional about it lately. I think it is the upcoming 2 year anniversary that is weighing on my mind. My life is so quiet. I miss the kids, the laughter and poker parties in my dining room. Kris and Chanelle are getting married in August. I am very tickled for them. I have taken the bug to a couple bug events/car shows this summer. It has been fun. I am driving to the beach this weekend. I have not gone on a long drive with it yet. I have gotten very comfortable driving it, and I feel close to JB each and everytime I drive it. My new job is going great. They love me and I love the job. I am learning alot. I have grown attached to a couple of the residents already. It is hard not to. I have been bad about going to church lately. I need to get back into the swing of things. No I have still not spoken to Emily but a couple times since JB passed away. That has not changed. I did see her mom and dad and sisters, and adorable niece at the Relay For Life Event. It is always nice to see them. I am hanging in there. I am still healing my broken heart, and I think that will be a forever process. Love to you all! Lori
RELAY FOR LIFE OF NEWBERG - JUNE 20-21, 2008
AT NEWBERG HIGH SCHOOL
Our team is called "The J Bugs"
Relay For Life is: A gathering of friends and families, A time to celebrate cancer survivors, A time to remember those we've lost to caner, Your way to FIGHT BACK!
FUN! FUN! FUN!
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Wed June 4th: I somehow lost the last couple months worth of blogs. We are having our Relay for life fundraiser garage sale this Sat June 7th at 9am at 1000 Springbrook Rd #87. Come and buy lots of goodies and help us raise money against the fight for cancer. Things are going good at my new job. I am working for Avamere at Newberg, a senior assisted living facility. I am the Director of Business Services. We put the bug in the show at the Woodburn Drags big VW event last weekend. It was fun. JB's buddies Scott and his dad Steve, Kris and Chanelle, my cousins Sean and Brody, Mom and my brother Grant, Pat and Nick were all there. We had a bbq and had fun.
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Friday Feb 15, 2008: Hello everyone. I am still on the hunt for a job. I did start getting unemployment benefits, and am looking for something new and enjoyable. Pat put a stereo in the bug this week for me. We had it done at Stereo King here in town. They did an awesome job on it. We put the tuner in the glove box, and they made a custom box for it. We are real close to having it ready to show. I am heading to Eugene to help my step mom around her house this weekend. She has cancer. My sister and brother will be helping too. She is alone since my dad died 2 years ago. I have been working in the yard with this nice weather we have had. I will have my relay for life page up and ready soon, and hope a lot of you can help me with fundraisers and walk on the 20th of June at Newberg High School. I took balloons and flowers to JB yesterday. It is pretty up on the hill. I am making progress, as I don't cry everytime I go up there now. That sounds simple, but it is a big step for me on my emotional roller coaster of life right now. Leaving my job has been very helpful believe it or not. I was very unhappy and it was just getting worse. I feel a big stress relief just in that.
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Monday Jan 4th: Things have not gone my way lately. I lost my job a week ago after 8 years there. That was a shock. I was not happy there for a while now, but never thought I would be let go. I have worked in the newspaper business for over 15 years now. I do not have a clue as to what I will do. I just spent 5 days in Madision Wisconsin helping with the National Outstanding Young Farmers Awards Congress. That was fun. They are needing a new coordinators right now. It is only a part-time job or I would apply. I need full time work. I may not have 10 vacation days needed to do the job as alot of new employers only offer 1 week for new hires. I had 3 weeks before, which would have allowed for it. Someday life will get better I hope. I just get through one hurdle, and then another comes along. Everyone tells me God has a plan for me, but I am not so sure of that anymore. I am struggling to understand. I know something better will come along work wise, and I was very unhappy with my job the last few years in advertising. Newspapers are a dying breed. Why pay for advertising when you can do it free with Craigs's list and other free sites now available. If any of you have any good leads, email me at lbsummer39@msn.com. Thank you!!!
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Thursday Jan 24th, 2008: Hello to you all. Things are going ok. I have been worried about Nick, JB's brother. He is having a hard time since JB passed away, as expected. I am doing alot better then l was. My break downs are less frequent now. Certain things will set me off, and I find myself in tears now and then. I don't think that will ever change. I am going to be sponsering a Relay for life team this year in Newberg. I want to see as many of you out there on the track as possible. I will have info soon, and will post that and send out a newsletter. We will be called the "J Bugs". I will need help with fundraisers and events to raise money for our team. This is therapy for me I think. I love my little bug, and drive it as much as possible. It is comforting to me to drive it, and I take it up to the cemetary too. I only go up there a couple times a month now, as it is wet and muddy. I did see Emily at Scotts wedding but we didn't talk, except for hi. I'm sure that was tough for her as she has not been back to the church since JB passed away. I really don't know how she is doing personally. I don't see much of the old gang anymore. I do keep in touch with Scott, and he has been a wonderful friend to me and my family. We still have a couple things to finish up in one afternoon on JB's Bug before summer. I want to show it. Thre are a few VW clubs around Portland. Please send me an email if you want to be part of the Relay for life team this summer - lbsummer39@msn.com
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Thursday Jan 17th, 2008: I want to say congrats to Scott & Bekah Smits (Scott was JB's best friend). They got married on Sat the 12th, and are now off on a cruise. I hope to upload the wedding pictures that I have taken. They used JB's bug to get from the wedding to the reception. I was very tickled that JB could still be a part of the wedding in some way. It was a tearful & emotional weekend for me. I so wish JB could have been there with us. It was a fun day, and the bride was beautiful, and Scott was very handsome too. We hope they are having an awesome time on their honeymoon cruise.
I have been sick for the last couple weeks, and have missed some work with a bad cold. I am hoping for some sunny days in our near future to get outside and do a few things in my yard. I am having a few issues setting up a new "myspace account" for JB as I had put in my newsletter, but will let you know when I get that done. Love to all - Lori
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Wed Jan 2, 2008: Happy New Year too you all! I just got back from my trip to Vancouver Island BC. I enjoyed my visit with Bettyann and her family. We had a nice Christmas on Qualicum Beach in her big log home. We missed Bill, and shared memories and stories of him thru-out the week. We hope to have a great new year! We are looking forward to Scott & Bekah's wedding on the 12th, and are so excited for them. JB would be so happy for them both too. I'm sad he can't be here to share in this special event. We continue to keep him alive in our memories, and not one day goes by that we don't think of him. I miss him so much it makes my heart hurt still.
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Thursday December 20th: I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas! I am going to Eugene Friday as it is the start of my holiday vacation. I will spend the weekend with family, and then come home Sunday to have Christmas with Nick and Pat. Nick and Pat will head to Eugene Monday to spend Christmas Eve with my family. I will leave early Christmas morning with my cousins. My cousin Hollys husband Ramone is from Canada. They are going to go pick up his boys and bring them back to Oregon after they drop me at the ferry. When they get dropped back off at home on the 30th, Ramone will pick me up at the ferry and we will head home on New Years Eve. I will be on the ferry for 2 hours then Bettyann's son will pick me up on the island, and we will join her large family and have Christmas dinner after I get there. It will be fun. I miss JB horribly, but I know he is in all of our hearts this holiday season. We miss you and love you Jeremy!!!!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!
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Wed Dec 12th: Merry Christmas too you all! It has been much easier for me to get ready for Christmas this year. I was in such a funk last year as expected, and didn't care if I had a tree, or presents under the tree. All I could do was morn for JB, and it took all my effort to get thru each day. I still have JB's stocking hanging up, and probably always will. I bought a Shrek ornament in his honor too. I want to go to Build-a-Bear and build a Shrek. It has been on my mind since I noticed it in the window at the mall. As many of you know JB loved Shrek, and had collected many Shrek items over the last couple years. I want to put him in the bug. I drove the bug up to the cemetary last weekend in the nice weather. Tessa tagged along too. I am spending the weekend before Christmas with my family, as I will be on Vancouver Island BC Canada with my friend Bettyann for Christmas this year. I am looking forward to getting away. I miss seeing JB's friends, as they are all off doing their own thing these days. I think of them all often, and may have to have a pocker party in JB's honor soon so we can get together again. Nick is still living with me, and doing well. He needs to find work, and get into college again soon. Gotta run! Happy Holidays!
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Tuesday Nov 27th: We had a nice Thanksgiving in Eugene. Nick and I celebrate our birthdays this week, and are planning a few fun outings with friends and family. I visited Rock Harbor Church last week, and Grace Baptist this week. I have not been going to church as much as I should, but it has been busy for us on the weekends. I hope you all survived the shopping madness if you ventured out last Friday. I am still planning on being with Bettyann on Vancouver Island BC this Christmas. Happy Holidays to you all!
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Thursday Nov 15th: Wow, the holidays are upon us. I am trying to get into the spirit. I don't seem to get excited about much these days. I know that will pass with more time. Nick is home, and has been working with Pat. I spent last weekend with my mom and Naoma at the beach in Florence. It was very nice to relax and enjoy the ocean. I miss driving the bug on nice days, as our rainy season is here. I hope you all have a nice Thanksgiving! We are spending it in Eugene with our family. Nick and I have birthdays coming up at the end of the month too, so we celebrate over the holiday.
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Friday Nov 2nd, 2007: I am excited as Nick will be home late tomorrow night from Idaho. He is a bit bummed that things didn't go the way he had hoped. I think he is a bit homesick too. I am hoping he will get back into college, and that thinks will fall into place for him. He is still struggling with JBs death. He holds alot inside I think. I have checked into getting him into grief counseling at the Dougy Center (provides peer support groups for grieving children). I don't think he will go however. It is time to order DOUGH FOR DOERNBECHER again this year. It is $5 for 5 pounds of sugar cookie dough. I sold over 40 lbs at work last year. All the proceeds go to Doernbecher Children's Hospital. You can order from me if you like, or at Rivermark Credit Union in Newberg/Portland area.
My thoughts are with the Olson Family in Canada - Vancouver BC, as they are holding a memorial service for Bill this weekend. I was able to attend the service here in Oregon. I am still planning to spend a week with Bettyann at Christmas this year. Take care everyone! Lori.
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Wed Oct 17: This week is going much better than last week. Thank heavens! I am excited that Nick is coming home at the end of November. Things didn't work out like he had planned in Idaho. I know he is frustrated, but I am happy to have him back home. I have been so lost with no kids around. I am heading to the coast with the dogs and a friend this weekend. It will be nice to get out of town. I am going to Eugene next weekend to stay with my nephew while my sister and brother in law go to the beach for the weekend. I went to a Community group with my cousin Holly last night and met others who go to Rock Harbor Church. It was nice to visit with pastor Brian and his wife, and to see Emilys sister and brother in law Jen & Doc there too. Have a good week everyone! It's rainy and wet and windy here in Oregon. Nothing new for us.
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Wednesday Oct 10th: It has been a tough week for me for some reason. I watched Extreme Home Makeover on Sunday night. It was about an 8 year old girl from Corvallis Oregon who has cancer, and is being treated at Doernbecher's. I cried and cried watching the show. It was the hardest TV show I have ever watched I think, as it brought back all the pain and memories of the last couple years. Every day I wake up and think about JB, and ask myself if this is real. I see JB's friends getting married, and planning families, and it makes me so sad. Don't get me wrong, I am very very excited for Scott & Bekah, and Kris and Chanelle to be married soon. I'm just sad as I won't get to enjoy watching JB with his children (my grandchildren). Nick is feeling the pressure I am sure. I keep thinking I will wake up from this bad dream. I keep alot to myself as I don't want to be depressing to my friends and co-workers. I have my melt downs at home usually, when I am alone. Somedays it is so tough to get thru work and my day as if life is normal. I have no desire to even decorate for the holidays. I would rather skip to January. I have been working with my doctor on my depression issues, and I am trying hard to get back to my "new normal" life again. I don't think it will ever be the same without JB. I am still struggling with my belief issues right now. I am questioning my faith, and asking Why God?? I grew up in a Baptist Church, and have always been a believer, even when I was not the perfect Christian, I still believed in him. I just wish I could understand why and be a believer again, and not doubt that there is a God. I know JB would not like me doubting his God! He wouldn't want me to hurt so much. I feel as if this is my diary. I can share my feelings and hurts. I know that my job is to make something positive come of all this, but I am not sure what that is yet. I will survive! I am thankful for my family, friends, and my son Nick, who are all very special to me.
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Wed Oct 3rd: My new roof is working well. It has been tested this week for sure with all the heavy rain we have had. I thank Grant and Tim for all the hard work. My cousins Ramone and Holly helped put a wall up on the carport to protect the bug from the weather too. Thank you all. Things are movng along. I dread the holidays for some reason with the boys not here. I miss JB horribly still. I miss seeing Nick too. He is working and doing well in Idaho so far. I hear Emily is doing fine. She has been dating a young man for almost a year now I guess. She still does not see me or my family since JB passed away. Needless to say, things don't always turn out the way we would like them too. I do still see her family at church now and then, and keep in contact with them. They are all excited about the new baby Jen & Doc are expecting next year. Happy Fall to you all!
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Tuesday Sept 25th: It has been a busy couple weeks for me. I have my brother Grant, and brother-in- law Tim, and a friend Jeff all coming up from Eugene, along with several volunteers to help put a new roof on my house this coming weekend. Pray for no rain! Grant and my nephew Cameron, and mom came up last weekend too, and helped me around the house. It was nice to get all the windows and things re sealed. I will soon be ready for a wet and wild winter with no roof worries. I miss the boys terribly. Nick is doing well in Idaho so far. All of you have a great rest of the week!
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Monday Sept 17th: Wow has this month flown by quickly. I miss Nick horribly. My house is way too quiet. I miss having the kids around. I got sad news on my good friends Bill & Bettyann Olson who recently just moved back to Vancouver Island B.C. from Sherwood Oregon. Bill died of a heart attack on Friday Sept 7th, at age 74. My family and I send our deepest condolences to the Olson family. I will miss Bill and his big smile, and his old worn out hat that I used to pin flowers on and decorate when he was not around. I will miss the teasing and big hugs he gave me each time we were together. His wife Bettyann was in route to the hospital when he had his attack at home. She was in the hospital for a week, and got out this last Friday. We love you Bettyann, and know this is a difficult time for you and your family. You are in our thoughts and prayers. We want you to get well soon. I am planning on spending Christmas with the Olson's this year. Christmas is a hard time for me not having the boys around. Take care everyone - Lori
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Friday September 7th: It has been a busy week. Nick is in Idaho now. He hopes to start working soon. Not much going on in my world right now. Just trying to keep busy. It is so hard not having kids in the house. Tessa won't leave me alone, and wants so much attention. She misses the kids too. I think now is the time for me to catch up on my crafts, and friends, and try to look forward and not back. August was a hard month for me with all the memories, anniversaries, and Nick planning on moving away. I still have my good days and bad days. I think I am doing better in my grieving process, but I still have days that I just cry and cry. I never know what may set me off. I love driving the bug on nice days. It brings me peace, and I feel close to JB when I drive it. We still have some things to do to get it finished, but it is real close. I hope you are all well, and please send me a note. I would love to hear from all of you. It is amazing but this site still gets over a thousand hits a week. Wow! I thank you for all your support and prayers, as I still struggle to get thru all this. Time heals all. Lori
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Friday August 31st: I hope you all have a safe and fun holiday weekend. Nick moves to Idaho on Sunday. I will be so lost without kids in the house. I need to find things to keep me busy. . Kids start back to school so I know you are all busy as this summer ends. Enjoy your Labor Day weekend! Lori
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Tuesday August 21st 2007: Today is JB's 2nd Birthday in Heaven! I miss him so much! Not one day goes by that I don't feel lost and alone without him. I always wish I could have just a few more hours with him. I have been a bit under the weather the last couple days. Nick leaves for Idaho this next weekend. Nick was home for the summer, and I enjoyed that! I have felt alot of anxiety with him making a big move like this. I have been a bit depressed , but I know this too will pass. I want to ask you all to keep a friend of mine in your prayers. Her name is Sam Olson of Yamhill Oregon, and she is 39, and fighting breast cancer that has spread to her brain. She has 4 young boys and a husband at home. She is the daughter in law to my good friends Bill and Bettyann Olson who just moved back to Canada. Keep your faith Sam, and miracles do happen everyday. Our thoughts are with you and your family. I have said this from day one..... CANCER SUCKS!!!
Happy Birthday JB, and we miss you more than words can say!
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Monday August 6th: I want to thank all of you who remembered me yesterday on JB's 1 year anniversary in heaven. I want to thank those of you who sent and brought by flowers and plants, and for the cards, phone calls, and text messages . It meant alot to me. Thank you to my sister Ranee, and her husband Tim and JB's good friend Gwen, and Pastor Brian Burman for your support at church yesterday too. It really means alot to me that you all care and remembered me on this difficult day. JB loved you all as much as you loved him, and I feel so blessed to have gotten to know alot of you thru him. I know it was a hard day for all of us. The car show on Saturday to benefit Doernbecher's Children's Hospital raised almost $4000. :-) It was a fun day, and many kind and generous people were there to show support. The bug was a hit. Thank you again for everything! We can and will move on but never forget our beloved JB. "Blessed be the name of the Lord"
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Wed August 1st: I am putting the bug in it's first car show on Sat Aug 4th. When I read the story about raising money for Doernbecher's, and helping Labri (a 12 year old girl from Lake Oswego with an inoperable brain tumor) I knew this would be the perfect time for the bugs first car show. Hope to see you there!
CARSHOW FOR THE KIDZ - Sat August 4th - McKenzie Pub parking lot. 16450 SW Langer Drive, Sherwood, Oregon - 10am-4pm. Come help support our local Children's Hospital and make a difference in a child's life. (all proceeds go to Doernbecher's Children's Hospital)
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Sunday July 29th: Thank you to all of you who helped get the "Love Bug" back on the road, and to all who helped with the parade. It was a great day, and I really enjoyed seeing everyone. It felt good to make good our promise to JB, and I felt all the love from you who joined us in making it happen. I have attached a link at the main menu to JB's Bug where you will find photos of the parade, and more. We got a ribbon too. Thank you all!!!!!
THANK YOU ALL WHO HELPED SUPPORT THE "j bugs Relay for life team" in Eugene this last Saturday as well. I hope to have pics/info posted soon.
P.S. thank you also for your prayers for my uncle Rich. He is doing better each day, but is still in the hospital up at St V's.
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Tuesday July 24th: We are just finishing up the final details to get ready for the parade Sat morning. I still have to wax the bug. If you are walking with us you need to be there by 9am. We are entry #44, and just let them know that at the gate off 8th St. If you need further details please email me lbsummer39@msn.com. Holly and our family are asking for your prayers once again, as my uncle Rich Oare (Holly's dad) is in a bad way up at St Vincents Hospital in Portland, after suffering a miassive heart attack on Sunday morning. He is in critical condition, and really needs our prayers right now. See you on Saturday, and we will be taking the flowers you all bring to JB's grave after the parade. I thank you all for your support as we remember our beloved JB this weekend.
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Monday July 16th: The Bug is home now!!!! I picked Gwen up yesterday morning in the bug and we went to Rock Harbor for church service. She said she loved hearing it come down the street again. It is fun to drive too. Very small inside. I got a call from Gloria Attrell at the funeral chapel on Saturday. She had read the article about the parade, and offered to put a tent up over JB's grave site the day of the parade. We will be taking flowers collected that day up afterwards. Several friends will be coming and joining us that day for the parade, BBQ and fireworks in the evening. It will be a bitter sweet day. I am looking forward to getting past the next few weeks. I have been in tears almost everytime I turn around lately. I know that is to be expected. It is frustrating at times when I can't just turn it off. I am still amazed I made it thru this last year. At times it felt like life would never go on again..... but it does and it has. Nick has been playing frisby golf with some of JB's friends this summer, so I have gotten to see them around the house a few times. (I love seeing them). I hope to see you all Sat August 28th. I know JB will be looking down on us and smiling at all the love and support from all of you! WE MISS YOU JB!!!! WE WILL ALWAYS KEEP YOU ALIVE IN OUR MEMORIES!!!!
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Monday July 9th: I am so excited!!!! We bring the bug home tonight, that is if Scott will let me after our test drive last night. Wow! Not the same as the modern stick shifts. I do need to practice. It was hard last night for Scott and I as we remembered JB, and shared a few tears. JB would be so proud of the wonderful job Scott has done, and all the long hours he has put into this project. The parade will be here before we know it. It is July 28th at 10am in Newberg. I got the driveway all cleaned up and ready for the arrival! I am crying as I type this. It is a happy but sad time. This month holds alot of memories as our one year anniversary of losing JB is approaching quickly. Not all good memories, but memories I will hold close to my heart, and never forget. I miss his smile, his laughter, his love for everyone he met, and those lives he touched. We hope to see you at the parade. Email me if you need directions. Blessings, Lori
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Thursday July 5th: We had a nice 4th of July. Nick and I spent the day in Vancouver Washington with long time friends of our family. Nick grew up with Trina and her daughter, and extended family. We have the bug so close to being done. Scott and I went for a test drive on Tuesday. It is insured now, and almost ready to roll. Scott has been doing alot of the work in the evenings to finish the bug! YOU ROCK SCOTT!! WE THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! JB would have been so proud. We are getting everything ready to roll in the parade on the 28th. If any of you would like to walk with us in JB's honor, please contact me or Scott. I have had several offer to bring candy, and that would be awesome. It will help alot. Wear yellow if possible. The Livestrong colors are yellow. JB never took his bracelet off that he recieved from a nurse when he was first diagnosed. Love to you all! Thanks for keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers. The next 4 weeks will be hard for me and my family. We have alot of memories from last year to get thru. Love Lori
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Thursday June 21st: We worked on the bug again this week, and now have one of the front seats recovered. We are almost done now. I am so excited. I will have to get used to driving a stick shift again. I am hoping to get the car into a couple car shows. It is so nice. Nick was able to help us this week too. He has been in Eugene, and missed alot of the get togethers. It is nice having him home again. We are going camping next weekend at the coast for a family wedding. It will be nice to have some one on one with him. He has been on the back burner this last couple years unfortunately with JB being sick. I want to make up for some of that before he moves to Idaho this fall.
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Friday June 15th: Hot off the press - A very nice story will appear in our town paper, The Newberg Graphic tomorrow. To read the story click on "JB in the news" at menu. I have it there. The photos are not there, but the story is. I am hoping to have JB's Bug pictures here on the site soon.
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Wed June 13th: We worked on the bug again Sat. We have another long day to go yet. There will be a nice story in the Newberg Graphic on Saturday regarding the bug. I will put it on the site here somewhere when it is published. Nick will be home tomorrow for the summer. I am looking forward to that. Emily's brother is getting married this weekend, and Holly and I are the coordinators and will be helping Friday at the rehersal, and Saturday is the wedding. Congratulations Amber Fuller and Kevin Cook
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Wed June 6th: It has been 10 months since we lost JB. It still feels like just yesterday to me. We are working on the VW again this weekend. I had a small mix up with the DMV, and the special plates I ordered did not come. I went back to the DMV yesterday, and they hope to get me the plates for the bug by July 15th. I want them on the bug for the parade July 28th. I was able to get "JBS BUG". The Graphic is doing a story on the bug and the friends who have helped put it back together. (The Graphic is our newspaper in town). I have decided to go to a grief counselor for a couple visits - thanks to mom and friends encouraging me. I am finding it very challenging with Mother's Day, Memorial Day, and anniversary date of his death coming up soon. I still feel very lost and not sure what my purpose is or what my future will bring. I know this is all normal when you lose your child. Nick is still moving home for the summer, and I am looking forward to that. It will be hard when he moves to Idaho this fall. We had a great time at the coast. There were 20 of us gals all together - good times!
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Tuesday May 29th: It was very pretty up on the hill at Valley View Memorial yesterday. JB's grave site had alot of visitors and pretty flowers, Shrek trinkets, & all kinds of fun things sitting around. He would have approved. It feels comfortable and inviting to visit. It was so pretty up there with all the flowers & flags. It was a beautiful day. It was not as hard of a day as I thought it may be. I kept busy. Emily's brother is getting married in a few weeks and a bunch of us gals are heading off to the coast to celebrate and have fun on Saturday night with Amber (his new wife to be). It will be fun to get together.
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Tuesday May 22nd: It has been a hard couple weeks for me for some reason. It is hard to always put on a happy face each day. I don't think an hour goes by that I don't think of JB. I have had a hard time sleeping too. Life is so upside down for me. I know it has been 9 months, and I should be getting better at this grieving stuff. I so wish I could flip a switch and turn off the tears each night, and the pain I feel every day. Nick is moving home for a couple months, and I am looking forward to that. He is moving to Idaho in the fall probably, and wants that to be his new home. I may have to move closer to him someday. I think a change might be good. I'm not ready to leave Newberg for a while however. It would be hard to leave JB. I know this too will pass and everything will get easier to accept with time. I expect that alot of JB's friends will be up to the grave on Memorial Day. I think it is a healing process for us all. Have a safe and fun Memorial Day Weekend!
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Monday May 14th: I hope all you moms had a nice Weekend. It was a hard day for me. I was so tickled when Gwen stopped with a rose and card, and Bryan stopped by with a balloon and card. (two of JB's best and oldest friends). That meant the world to me. Nick called me from Eugene too. He did come up on Saturday with my family for the day. We had a BBQ get together. I took some roses up to JB's grave yesterday. It was beautiful up there. I made it thru another tough day in my healing process. I am looking forward to working on the bug more. It is almost done. Hooray!!!
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Monday May 7th: We worked on the bug again this weekend. It is so exciting to get it almost finished. I want to thank all of you who have put so much love and hard work into this "love Bug". It truly is a work of love from all. Scott Smits has it at his house, and he has put so many hours into this. I want to thank Emily's brother Kevin and Emily's dad Chuck too for all the time and work they have done too. And Kris, and Steve (Scott's Dad for all the parts) too. I love you all so much, and JB would be so proud of you all! Thank you!
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Thursday May 3rd: Hello to you all. I am having a pretty good week. I went yesterday and ordered the special plates for the bug. I was able to get "JBS BUG". I was very tickled to find it was available. I also turned in the application to be in the parade. I know that alot of people stepped in to help our family over the last couple years, and I know that I have not thanked everyone in person. I don't even know alot of the people that helped raise funds and prayed for us while JB was sick. The whole community stepped in and it was so awesome. THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! I find life very quiet right now. I miss having the kids around. I still feel very out of sorts, and lost most of the time. I sometimes wake up and think.... did this really happen? I know that I still have my son Nick (thank the Lord), and I know he must feel the pressure of being the only child now. It has to be hard on him too. He is still in Eugene. I will go down for Mother's Day and see my mom and family. I told Nick he has to have lots of grand kids for me. What pressure that is! "smile". I am trying to keep busy, and not get depressed, which is hard to do some days. Mother's Day will be hard for me this year. We are going to be working on the bug again this weekend. We are getting close to finishing it. I want to get some photos online when we get it done. Love to all, Lori
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Friday April 20th, 2007: Hello, We finished our Grief Group this week. I added a link called "Bereaved Parent's Wish List" on the menu to the left. It was helpful to me. I really want to talk about JB and I want to keep his memory alive. I am getting thru this one day at a time, and that is the best I can do. I will be adding a link to our Relay for life team soon too.
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Monday April 16th: We worked on the bug more yesterday, and had lots of help from JB's friends. It is looking so good. We have the back seats done, and started getting the carpet put in. I am looking for someone who wants to donate some love, and an hour of time. I want to have "Blessed be the name of the Lord" painted on the glove box. I paint, but don't have a steady hand for that sort of thing. Scot is cutting out a metal plate that fits onto the dash board, and I am going to have that engraved with JB's name. Pat and I have our last grief group meeting on Wed. We will bring pictures this week and share with others. I have gotten alot out of this group. The youth group at JB's church is going to walk in the parade with us on July 28th in honor of JB. Not much really else happening. It is quiet at work, and way to quiet at home. Nick is moving home with me in June for a few months, and hopes to get back into school this fall. He leaves Friday to be in a best friends wedding in Florida. That should be fun for him. I am still taking orders for T-shirts if anyone is interested. I have turned in the orders you have sent me so far, and I thank you all. All proceeds go to relay for life team "The J Bugs", and are $10 each. They have JB's picture and name on them.
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Thursday April 5th: It has been 8 months today since JB died. It does seem to be getting easier to accept, and the crying spells are fewer. I still never really know when or what may set me off. It's usually simple things like seeing his friends at church, or working on his bug, or just sitting and watching TV. Scot and Pat got the motor in the bug last Sat. We are real close to getting the carpet in, and then we start working on the seats. I am very excited to get it done. I think it will be nice to see it in the driveway and finished. JB would be so proud of Scot, Kevin, Chuck, Kris and everyone else who has put time into the bug to help get it finished. I thank you all for your continued support, and wish you all a Happy Easter. I will be going to the 11:00 service at JB's church - Grace Baptist on Sunday. (formerly First Baptist) Blessings to all! Lori
Thursday March 22nd: Pat and I went to our 4th grief group meeting sponsered by Doernbecher's. It went pretty well. It was focused on siblings and how they are dealing with the loss of a brother or sister. I am taking orders for JB T-shirts. It will have his photo on it and his name. Anyone who wants to walk in the parade in memory of JB, (JB's bug and Tessa will be the guests of honor) can wear them. We are keeping ours fresh for the parade. T-shirts are $10 dollars, and all proceeds go to the cancer related relay for life team "The J Bugs". Email me your size and how many to: LBSummer39@msn.com.
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Monday March 12th: We worked on the VW this weekend at Scot's house. JB's good friends Kris, Chanelle, Gwen, Amber & Kevin helped, along with Pat, Scot and myself. We got alot done. We still have a few Saturdays to go, but it is getting closer. The seat covers and door panels came in and I love them. It is exciting, and sad. I wish JB could see it. He would be proud of his friends helping out. I know it is therapy for us all. We do have T-shirts to order for $10 (all proceeds go to Relay for life). The shirts have a picture of JB on the front and his name. The team is called "The J Bugs", and will be held in Junciton City, and put together by my mom Pat, and friends and family. The Relay for life is the same weekend as the Old Fashioned Festival Parade in Newberg. I can't attend both. I promised JB we would drive the bug in his honor in this years parade. We will wear our T-shirts however that day, and the money from the shirts will go to Relay for Life. I will try to get a picture of the shirt online soon, and can take orders. Remember we want you to all join us in the parade in memory of JB. IT is a cancer awareness theme. Love to you all! Lori
Thursday March 8th: We had our 3rd grief group meeting last night. There are some really nice people there, and I hope to get to know them better. It was 27 years ago on March 6th, that I lost my fiance at the age of 19, and I was 18 at the time. He was leaving my house on his motorcycle, and had no helmet on (not required then), and hit gravel and his bike landed on his head. He was in a coma for several days before being taken off life support. I do relate with Emily in that way, as we both experienced such grief at a young age. My mom and family and friends are doing a Relay For Life Team in Eugene. The team name "The J Bugs". I will have more info as we get organized.
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Tuesday March 7th: Hard to believe it has been 7 months since JB left us. His dad and I went up to see him yesterday. It was a beautiful day here. I had some daffys in my yard and picked a few to take up. We have our 3rd grief group meeting tomorrow night. I found out I can get "JBS BUG" for the new plates for the bug. We are almost ready to put it all back together. Most of the parts we have had ordered are here now.
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Thursday Feb 22nd: Pat and I had our second grief support meeting last night. It was much easier than the first meeting. This week we went thru "components of grief" by J. William Worden. I am going to share a bit below, and hope it helps in some way to others going thru this same experience. I am excited to get the bug upholstery we ordered, and to finish the restoration JB started. It will be a comfort to have it in the driveway under cover and back home again. It has been in very good hands at one of JB's closest friends house. Scot is helping me do alot of the work - bless his heart! We are driving the bug in the Old fashioned Festival parade on July 28th, and invite the kids in youth group, and any of you who may want to participate. We are going to drive the bug in JB's honor, and it will be a cancer related theme, and any donations we recieve will go to OHSU cancer research. We are going to make memorial T-shirts in yellow to match the bug and the "Livestrong" theme that JB believed in. So please contact me if you want to participate. It will be just a few days shy of JB's 1 year in heaven when this event takes place. JB was there last year in his wheel chair, and his oxygen, it was his last real outing before he passed away. I miss him so much. I do sit and hold his beanie now and then, and sit in his room and listen to his favorite radio station that is still on in his room. I miss his smile, his humor, his friends, and his hugs.
Emotional Components of Grief:
Sadness
Anger
Typically have 2 sources: (1) A sense of frustration that there was nothing one could do to prevent the death. (2) Anger due to loss.
Guilt and Self-Reproach
Guilt over not seeking earlier medical care, guilt over not being "kind enough", guilt over how the death was experienced
Anxiety
Anxiety can be related to the guilt - Fear of losing another child or loved one
Loneliness
Overwhelming sense of loss and missing your child - Isolation
Fatigue
May feel like listlessness, tiredness, inability to do basic activities (both daily tasks and previously enjoyed activities)
Helplessness
Lack of control and inability to help your child
Shock
Difficulty in believing in the reality of the loss
Yearning
Emancipation
Loss of role as caretaker
Relief
Because your chld is no longer suffering - Mixed sense of relief because you no longer have cancer in your life but then guilt for also feeling this way
Numbness
Lack of feeling - May be a protection from a flood of feelings
Physical Components of Grief: Hollowness in the stomach, Tightness in the chest, tightness in the throat, over sensitivity to noise, Snse of depresonalization (nothing seems "real"), breathlessness, feeling short of breath, muscle weakness, lack of energy, dry mouth.
Cognitive Components of Grief:
Disbelief - Confusion - Difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness
Pre-occupation - Obsessive thoughts of your child or the death, thoughts of how to bring your child back
Sense of presence - thinking the loved one is still physically present, this coincides with the emotional component of yearning
Hallucinations - Visual and auditory, Usually happens with the first few weeks following the death.
Grieving Behaviors:
Sleep disturbances - appetite disturbances - absent minded behavior - social withdrawl - dreams of your child both normal and distressing dreams/nightmares - avoiding reminders of your child - searching and calling out - sighing - restless over activity'/hyperactivity - crying - visiting places or carrying objects that remind you of your child - treasuring objects that belong to your child.
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February 12th: We started our grief group last Wed. I found it very hard to go and talk at first, but felt more comfortable when we left, and look forward to the next meeting. It is a small group, 4 families, and 2 of them lost teanage sons to cancer also within a few months of JB. It was emotionally draining, but felt good to connect with other families, and to see that our grieving is normal, and our loses so fresh yet in our hearts. I could see the sadness in all the faces there. I had a hard weekend. I miss JB so much. It was nice to go to church Sunday and see all the loving faces of JB's dear friends, and church family. I had dinner with some of his friends last night, and feel so blessed that they include me, and keep in touch. It keeps me going. I still don't know when to end this site. I feel like it is a dairy, and a story of JB's journey the last couple years. It is a way for me to express my thoughts and feelings. I have been having alot of crying bouts, but that too is ok. If I could flip a switch and turn the pain off I would. I hate it when it consumes me and I feel so down, but I also am trying to find some kind of a new normal in life. It may take years for that, I don't know. I have been walking with Tessa, and have been on Weight Watchers, and trying to get healthy. 5.3 pounds this week. Yahoo!!!!!! Blessings to all!
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Monday Feb 5th: It has been 6 months since JB passed away. I know he is missed so much by so many. Pat and I start a grief class up at Doernbechers on Wed night. A group of JB's close friends are coming for dinner tonight at my house. We are finalizing the colors for the seats in JB's bug he was restoring. I can't seem to decide and thought I would get his friends input. It will be nice to see the kids. I sure miss having them around. I am trying to stay busy and keep my mind busy. It is hard, but I keep going. Not an hour goes by that I don't think of my JB. I miss him sooooo much!
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Tuesday Jan 30th: Happy Birthday to my step dad Jerry Barnes!
Things are going ok. Pat and I start a grief group with other parents from Doernbecher's. I think this will be very helpful, as we all have lost children. I still continue to struggle with my emotions daily and sometimes hourly. I still feel as if life will never be the same again, and I miss JB horribly. Nick is doing well in Eugene and is working. He hopes to get back into school soon. I don't know how Emily is doing. I have only seen her a couple times in the last several months, but hear she is keeping busy. Emily's sister Jen, Holly and myself are working on a bridal shower for Amber, who is engaged to Kevin (Emily's brother). We are looking forward to it! I would love to hear from you all! I have lots of time, and would love to see you too! Lbsummer39@msn.com
Doernbecher Children's Hospital Pediatric Hematology/Oncology - Living with Loss Grief Education & Support Group. Starts February 7th: The group has been a safe place to express feelings. There is a certain comfort in being in a group with others who have had similar experiences. It really helps to talk to another mother who has lost their child because it is so hard to relate to anyone else. It will be a safe place to share feelings and experiences, and to start the healing proccess.
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Monday Jan 22nd: We drove one of JB's bugs to Eugene Sat. Jerry (JB's grandpa) bought it. All the proceeds went to funeral expenses which I'm happy to say are below $1000 now. We started at over $10,000. Thanks to many wonderful friends, family members, JB's First Baptist Church family, and fundraisers!!!!! I thank you all again. Scott has JB's special bug that he was restoring at his house. We have to re-upholster the original seats. JB had bought seats out of a Jetta, but they won't fit in the car. The car needs to be done by July. Last July (just days before JB passed away) JB sat at the "Newberg Old Fashioned Festival" watching the parade in his wheel chair, and oxygen tank in tow, and I told him we would get his bug done and drive it in his honor this year. It is almost brand new in and out, with a beautiful pale yellow paint job. I want to get it pinstriped with his name. Maybe "JB's Dream". He loved his little bug. I talked about going to a grief group in Lafayette, but over the weekend I recieved a letter from Doernbecher's Children's Hospital that they are offering a group every other week thru April. I think that I will get alot out of this as we all have lost children to Cancer/major illness. I have my good friends Bill & Bettyann Olson staying with me from Canada this week. Blessings to you all! Lori
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Friday Jan 19th: T.G.I.F.! What a weather week we have had here in the Portland area. We have had lots of snow and freezing rain. I start a GriefShare group on the 30th, for 13 weeks. It is held at Lafayette Community Church. If any of you reading this want or need to join a grief group please email me and I'll get you the info on this Grief Recovery Support Group.
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Friday January 12th: I want to wish Ranee Werder (my sister - Jan 20), and Cameron Nickelson (my nephew - Jan 11) A Happy Birthday!
For some reason I've had a very hard week. I can't seem to stop thinking about JB and Emily. I miss them both so much. I have been in tears alot this week. I miss Nick too. I have called him several times this week. I'll get to see him and my family next weekend. I am going to go down and make my sister and Cameron a birthday dinner and have some of thier friends over for fun and movies. I have been thinking hard about getting a room mate. I would love to get a George Fox College student to live here. I love having the kids around. My house is way too quiet. I know Tessa and Summer would love it too. We have had snow and ice this week in parts of Portland. Only a sprinkle of snow here in Newberg. My mom however had over 5 inches a couple hours south of us. My step dad is continuing to get better, and is still on IV meds several times a day, and has a home health nurse coming in a couple days a week. Blessings to you all! I hope to see some of you at First Baptist on Sunday. Blessings - Lori
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Monday January 8, 2006: It has been 5 months since we lost JB. I am happy for the new year to be here. I guess I was hoping the pain & tears might be less now that 2006 is behind us, but I was wrong. The tears still come at the oddest & most unexpected times. I never know what will trigger me. I have been trying to keep busy with friends and family. I have been at the coast the last few weekends. We had a girls weekend in Seaside with my cousins from Eugene. I don't talk to Nick or Emily alot. I know they are busy and want to hang with their friends. I do think of them daily. Blessings to all, and Happy New Year!
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Tuesday January 2, 2007: Happy New Year to you all.
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Tuesday December 26th: Happy New Year to all! It was a busy holiday weekend for us. My son Nick and my nephew Cameron and his new puppy Sadie came on Friday. We had a nice weekend. My mom and step dad, & brother came up on Sunday evening, and my sister and her husband Tim came up from Eugene as well. We had a nice Christmas. We shared memories, and many tears. We took flowers up to the cemetary on Christmas. Emily came and visited us for a bit Christmas morning. We went to candlelight service at Rock Harbor in the morning on Christmas Eve, and I really wanted to go to JB's church at 4pm in the afternoon as well, but our family didn't arrive in time. We were all going to go. That is ok. I thought of all of his church family over the holidays, and remember how blessed JB was to have had them in his life. My step dad Jerry and mom Pat, bought JB's 1969 VW Bug. We will drive it down to Eugene for them soon. We are still working on his special 1970 bug, and hope to have it done by summer. I will keep this bug forever. I know I am looking forward to the new year. We pray it will bring us better health, and happiness, and peace. Blessings to you all! I am thankful for each and everyone of you!
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Friday December 15th: It was a year ago today that we lost our dad Ernie to a massive heart attack. We miss you dad! It has been a hard week for me again. I have good days, and bad. I am very lonesome with no kids in the house. I start to feel sorry for myself, and then realize that it could be worse. I have another wonderful son, and a wonderful family, a warm place to live, and food to eat, when so many do not! I know we are all struggling with the loss of JB as the holidays approach us! There are days that I don't make it an hour without tears, but I know I must go on. I am grateful for all JB's friends that continue to call, or stop by. I love you all! I know a group of you are going snowboarding this weekend. Take a run down the hill in honor of JB.
I have been reading "How to Survive the loss of a child", and thought I'd share a bit of what I've read.
HOLIDAYS: Unlike vacations, which you can choose, holidays come whether you want them or not. For bereaved parents, the family holidays - Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas - are extremely painful. These are the holidays in which your child participated. There is no getting around it: You will see your dead child everywhere and be poignantly reminded of holidays past. Because your child will constantly be in your mind and the minds of all the other family members, plan ahead. Get a family consensus about how to memorialize your child. The ritual needn't occupy the center of attention, but it will allow everyone the opportunity to grieve. Openly sharing memories, even if they are painful, will acknowledge the deep and unalterable love the family feels for the missing child. Holidays take a great deal of psychic energy, so don't overload yourself. Make sure there are times to rest. Order by catalog. The stores, filled with holiday spirit, are heartbreaking for those who are grieving a dearly loved person. Allow the whole family to help with holiday preparations. Assign tasks. This way, the remaining children will feel that they have been given the opportunity to be a closer part of the family. Express your feelings of sadness throughout the holidays and encourage the other family memebers to do the same. Knowing that you don't have to be stoic all the time releases you to find points of joy in the midst of the sorrow. And you can laugh if you aren't shackled with pent-up tension and guilt.
SEARCHING FOR MEANING IN LIFE: When a child has died, the question of meaning is always there in the back of our minds. The constant "why?" in the beginning is part of this. We are plagued by the need to find any answer that could explain this enormous mystery. Each parent asks "How could God allow my child to die and leave me here? What good am I? What is the meaning of life now that everything has changed? These questions cannot be answered easily or quickly. Not until we have gained some distance from the shock of loss, worked through the realization and acknowledgement of the death, and begun to accept the inevitalbe changes occuring can we start to answer questions concerning the meaning of life. As we gain spiritual strength from centering ourselves, we will also gain guidance in the directions to take. Then, as these directions begin to lead us to places where we can find satisfactions while renewing our confidence, we find our faith in the world slowly returning.
Grief is a long arduous process, painful beyond belief. Don't feel you must rush it or be disappointed if you don't move as fast as you think you "should". There is no right or wrong way to grieve, just your way. You are entiltled to as much time as you need. You are also entitled to your own mistakes. Without mistakes, I can guarantee there haven't been enough risks. And without risks, there is no growth.
Your courage and perseverance have gotten you to this point of new beginnings. The scar tissue is healing, and the severe pain has lessened tremendously. What grief has taught you is waiting to be practiced.
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Monday December 11th. On Friday night JB's friends Chris, Chanelle, Scott, Amber, and Emily's brother Kevin came to the house with dinner and cookie makings. Amber made lasagna. Yummy! We had a nice time. It was very sweet of them all. I went to Astoria with a girlfriend for the night on Saturday. It was a neat place. The Canery Pier Hotel. It was nice to get away. JB's headstone was put in this week. It looks very nice. Emily was pleased as well. I made it thru a big hurdle, and got my Christmas decorations out, and a tree put up. It was not as tough as I thought it would be. I did shed tears, but felt like JB was with me saying it's ok mom, you can do this. JB decorated the tree last year. He wanted a big tall tree since we had high ceilings. My step dad Jerry is making small steps in getting better. My sister Ranee came home from the hospital on Saturday. Lets pray we get thru the rest of the year with no more illness in the family. Blessings to you all - LORI
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Tuesday Dec 5th, 2006 - It has been 4 months now since we lost our JB! I have really been having a hard week. My house has been so quiet! This website, my emails, phone calls, everything has been quite. I really would not have made it wihout JB's church family the last year! I don't see or talk to you all alot, but you know who you are, and I love each and everyone of you at First Baptist, and Brian Burman and friends at Rock Harbor too!!! And of course my family and friends have been awesome! I know we will all get thru this holiday season, but it is going to be very hard and emotional for me personally. I'm greatful to work with such wonderful and understanding people, as I know I'll be challenging this holiday season. I am really, really looking forward to a new year! I MISS YOU SO MUCH MY HEART HURTS JB! I WILL LOVE YOU ALWAYS!!!
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December 4th, 2006: It is hard to believe the holidays are upon us. It has been a struggle for me to get my Christmas decorations out. I know there are alot of memories in Christmas ornaments, and things that the kids have made me over the years. A group of JB's friends called me last week to see if they can bring over a tree and decorate it and bake cookies with me this Friday night. It will be fun to have them over! Our family is still struggling with several things. My step dad Jerry has been in and out of the hospital for several weeks (9 total), and is not getting better. He has staff infection in his spine. He really needs our prayers. My sister Ranee went into the hospital on Friday night and is still there. She had a high fever, vomiting, and pain in her leg. I have not heard today how she is doing. She just returned from Mississippi building homes for Katrina victims. I think a black cloud is over our family right now. My step brother Brad is at home with full care. He is learning how to move and get around. My brother Grant has been pretty good. Thank the Lord. He has been helping mom at her tree shop while mom takes care of Jerry. Please keep our family in your prayers. I am so looking forward to the new year. This has been a year from Hell - truly! It has to get better. I hope to have happier news next time you read this message board. I really am ready for a Happy New Year! I visited First Baptist at the High School Sunday for a special blended service. I didn't get to see alot of you that I would have liked to, but think of you all often and I am so grateful for you all! Blessings, Lori!
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Monday November 27th: We had a nice Thanksgiving. It was sad for us all, and alot of tears. We all missed JB and felt sad that he was not with us. Emily and her mom and dad came down for the day on Friday. My step dad Jerry got out of the hospital on Sunday evening. He has been fighting infection in his spine, and been in alot of pain for over 6 weeks now. My sister and her husband Tim have been in Mississippi rebuilding homes from Hurricane Katrina, sponsored by my sisters employer - Warehauser. We missed having them at dinner too. They fly home to Portland tonight, then drive back to Eugene. We have had some snow today, so I hope they have a safe ride home. I decorated a live wreath in the shape of a cross, and put out at JB's grave yesterday. We are waiting for his headstone to be finished. I turn a big 45 tomorrow, and my oldest son Nick will be 23 on Wednesday. Blessings to all!
Happy Birthday Nick! We love you!
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Wed Nov 22nd: I want to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. It will be hard not having JB at our table this year. We miss him so much. He always had a smile for everyone, and I have to keep that smile in my memory tomorrow, and always. Blessings to all! Lori
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Monday November 20th: Hello everyone! I has been another good week. My girlfriend Trina, and my cousin Holly and I spent Sat together. We had a good time shopping, laughing, and went to dinner. My birthday is at the end of the month, so we were celebrating early. I am actually looking forward to decorating for Christmas. I was not sure if I could do it this year. I am going to Eugene for Thanksgiving. I will cook dinner as my mom will be busy getting her shop "Mrs B's Christmas Tree's" ready to open. My step dad Jerry has been in the hospital again. He came home yesterday. Emily and her family will be coming down on Friday to see my parents and visit. Emily's dad has a birthday on Friday the 24th. Happy Birthday Chuck!!!! Nick has a couple days off and will be able to spend it with us in Eugene. He is doing well. Blessings to all! Lori
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November 12th, 2006:
Boy have we had some weather here in Oregon. I have been fighting some water coming in the house thru my skylight and around my window. I have a tarp on the roof until I can get some one out to fix it. I'm hoping this will be an easy and cheap fix. We are expecting a couple more inches of rain tonight and strong winds as well. I kind of feel like Dorthy in Kansas, and hope not to blow away tonight. They expect 60-65 mpg winds. Being an Oregonian I am used to the rain, we are not used to 3-4 inches in one day however. I went to church at Rock Harbor this morning with my cousin Holly and her kids, and Emily and her family were there. It was a nice service. Brian always keeps my attention. They sang "Blessed Be The Name Of The Lord" at church this morning, and that had a whole row of us crying I think. I find I am kind of dreading the holidays, but know this is normal. There is a blurb from the Compassionate Friends Flyer I just recieved below. Compassionate Friends is a group of people who have lost children to many different things, and at all ages. I have attended one class in Lafayette, and hope to attend more. They only meet the first Thursday of each month. I have been to some other groups as well. I would love to start a group of my own. If any of you out there feel a need, or have lost a child to cancer or otherwise, and would like to get together and visit, let me know. I find I am having a hard time talking about JB with strangers, or in groups. It hurts alot still. I need to talk about JB however, and share his memory, and in time I will find this easier to do. Scott & Chuck (One of JB's best friends and JB's father in law) worked on JB's 1970 VW bug this weekend. They got the undercoating done. I miss you Jeremy, my heart hurts so much. I know Dad, Nick & Emily miss you as much as I do. I know alot of your friends and family think of you daily, and miss your smile and laugh as much as we do. My tears won't seem to stop today, I wish I could just hold you and hug you one more time. You are always on my mind, and in my heart. I love you JB!
THAT'S NORMAL
If you think you are insane - that's normal.
If all you can do is cry - that's normal.
If you have trouble with the most minor decisions - that's normal.
If you can't taste your food nor have any semblance of an appetitie - that's normal.
If you have feelings of rage, denial, and depression - that's normal.
If you find yourself enjoying a funny moment and immediately feel guilty - that's normal.
If your friends dwindle away and you feel like you have the plague - tha's normal.
If you can share your story, your feelings, with an understanding listener - another bereaved parent - that's a beginning.
If you can get a glimmer of your child's life rather than his death - that's wonderful.
If you can remember your child with a smile - that's healing.
If you find your mirrors have become windows and you are able to reach out to other bereaved parents - that's growing.
Edith Frasier, TCF - Winnepeg
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ONE WISH
If I could have just one wish,
A dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart,
For yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back,
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a thousand tears.
I know since thousands I have cried.
You left behind my broken heart
and happy memories too.....
But I never wanted memories
I only wanted YOU......
By Teri Stamos, The Compassionate Friends (TCF) Central Oregon.
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Sunday November 5th: It was 3 months ago today that we lost our precious JB. I miss him so much. I continue to have more good days. I'll start thinking wow... I've made it a week without a breakdown, then boom.... it hits once again. I was in tears most of Thur/Fri last week. Saturday was great however! Emily, Scott, Kris, Chanel, James, Emily, Gwen, Amber and Kevin all came over and brought pizzas, and we visited and shared pictures of JB. I loved it! My house has been way to quiet. I thank all of you who came over. JB was smiling down on you I'm sure, saying thanks for taking care of my mom! Emily seems more her old self to me, for which I'm greatful. It hurts my heart to see her so sad. It will take a long time for her to heal, but I have faith that we will all survive and move forward. JB would want that. I visited First Baptist yesterday. It was nice to see everyone. JB's headstone should be done in about 3 weeks. It will be made out of blue granite. I will put a picture here when we get one taken. Blessings to all!
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Wednesday November 1st:
Hi all! Hard to believe it has been almost 3 months since JB passed away. I missed him alot yesterday, as he loved Halloween. JB's dad Pat and I went and put a new cover over the VW to keep it safe from the weather. This is the 1970 VW JB was restoring. It's cute, and has a new pale yellow paint job. Scott and friends are helping get it put back together for me. Thank you to Mike Doran for letting us store it at his shop in Newberg. We still have a 1979 VW for sale if anyone is interested. Just send me an email, and I'll get you in touch with the right person to go see that bug. I have decided to go ahead and have Christmas at my house this year as we had planned before JB passed away. I didn't want to even decorate for the holidays a few weeks back, but I know JB wouldn't want that. Tessa - JB's Schnauzer, sure has been a blessing to me. She is such a love. I have a Shih Tzu as well, but Tessa is the queen of the castle now! Summer gets beat out of every toy in the house. Tessa just walks over and takes what she wants right out of Summers mouth. Summer is a very small 9 lbs, and Tessa is 20 or more. Pets can be good therapy. I have a counseling session this evening. I think I'm doing pretty good. Nick is doing well, and Emily too. Blessings to all! Happy Fall!
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Thursday October 26th: You can now order your 4 minute wedding video online. PayPal has been set up and the videos will be mailed to you. They are $5 each. If you have any problems with the PayPal please contact me and let me know.
Went to the coast with the gals from work last weekend, and was sick with the flu! Bad timing. We did have fun considering. I missed two days of work this week, but am feeling better now. We get our flu shots next week at work. Not soon enough I guess. My step brother Brad has come home now from a long almost 3 months in the hospital. I will keep praying for him to heal. Praying that he will walk again someday soon. He is a fighter. My step dad Jerry had back surgery yesterday in Eugene. He had two bulged disks. He is doing fine. He never stops so this must be very frustrating for him to be laid up. Everyone keeps telling me that life will never feel the same with the loss of your child, but you will develop a "new normal" life. I find I am doing a bit better each week. I am dreading the holidays however. I can't imagine Christmas without JB. I haven't seen Emily yet this week, but will see her Saturday when we see the final proof for JB's headstone.
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Thursday October 19th: The entry below is from one year ago today!
WED OCT 19TH 2005: JB & Emily are off to New Zealand
and Australia with JB's grandparents (Pat & Jerry Barnes).
They will be back on Nov 10th
****They had such a wonderful time and I agan thank Grandpa Jerry & Grandma Pat for all the wonderful memories Emily will have, and me. JB had hung flags, pictures, and memorabelia around the computer room earilier this year. I will cherish it forever. He spoke of the trip for months with excitement! These are the happy memories we need to keep fresh in our heads when we are feeling down. He wouldn't want us to cry and be sad. I know I of all people need to remember this. Nick came up from Eugene last night to get his computer and a few things to take back to Eugene with him to his apartment on campus. Emily, Pat, and Nick & I will have dinner together tonight before Nick heads back. Blessings to all!
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Monday October 16th: I made it thru another week. I think of JB non stop, but the tears seem to be easier to control (most of the time). I did go with Emily this weekend and we picked out a beautiful headstone. It will only take about a month to get it made and put out on his grave. I have been struggling with where I want to go to church. I visited Rock Harbor in Sherwood and loved it. Brian Burman is the pastor. He is the one who married JB & Emily and did JB's memorial service. JB was very close to Brian and his family for many years now. I think I will be going to Rock Harbor from now on. Emily and her family go there, and I brought my cousin Holly to visit with me, and now her and her family have decided to go there as well. I have gotten alot of support from every one at First Baptist, and that is why this decision has been tough. I have gotten so many cards and emails from people I know, and alot that I don't know, telling me how wonderful my son was, and how he touched them in some way! I feel so proud to be his mom, and would give the world to tell him that just one more time. He knew how much I loved him. I told him often. Blessings to all - Lori
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Monday October 9th: We survived yet another week. I had girls night on Sat night at my house with some family and friends. It was fun. Emily and her mom came and joined us. I visited Emily's church in Sherwood yesterday. Rock Harbor with Pastor Brian Burman. I really really liked it. I went to the coast with my mom and her friend Naoma from Illionios last Fri. It was fun! I went and checked out Nick & Ian's apartment on campus while I was in Eugene. It was not to bad for college guys. I bet they cleaned up before I came!!! My step brother Brad is still in the hospital and had another surgery on his back on Thursday. My brother Grant is doing ok. He is taking it day by day I guess. He has lost alot of weight. We hope he is going to AA still. My sister and her husband just bought a house in Junction City. They still have Cameron (my brother's son) living with them. I had a pretty good week last week. I continue to take it day by day. Emily had another hard week. We stay in contact by phone or email almost daily. She looks sad, and I wish I could just take it all away for her. She really misses her best friend. I miss him too. I miss his laugh the most. He always had a smile and smart comment for me usually - all in fun of course! Emily and I are hoping to still be able to go on Saturday and pick out the headstone. It will be nice to have that part done. Have a great week, and thanks for keeping our family in your prayers.
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Monday October 2nd: I survived the weekend. I knew I would. Somedays it feels like you won't be able to go on another day, and then you do. I had a hard week last week, but am trying to look at all the positives in my life and be greatful for all I have. I took some pretty flowers from my yard up to JB's grave on Friday night. I spoke with Nick today in Eugene, he seems to be doing fine. He is working alot. Emily emailed me today, and she is also sad and missing JB horribly. I think the last couple weeks have been very hard for us both, and we are both surprised I think at how hard it has been. Thank you for your continued support and prayers. Lori
My uncle, Ike Gibson (my moms brother), passed away Sunday from lung cancer at the age of 67. There will be no service held.
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Thursday September 28th:
I haven't been writing much. I have felt like I should keep all my feeling inside and not let everyone know how much things are really bothering me...... and it's been tough. Alot of people say I'm a rock! I don't always feel like a rock believe me. I had such a good week or so, and then I crashed again. I had a horrible day yesterday. I couldn't keep from crying for the life of me. I did go to the bookstore and bought a book called "How to survive the loss of a child". I had one grievance class, but would like to find one at night to attend. I find that it is hard to talk to my friends, and cry in front of them. I feel like a burden if I do break down or want to talk. I know it is hard on them too. I want to be strong for everyone else. I have really put myself out there going to the bible study. I am finding I have alot of "why God" questions right now, and I'm not getting any answers. I don't understand why he took my baby away from me, and blame him for my pain right now. I feel as if someone has taken my arm from me, and I'm detached from life in someway! I wake in the morning and go to bed with such emptyness. I know this is all part of life and that I am not the only one going thru this, but it so feels like it. I went up to the cemetary last night. I find this so hard to do yet. I know someday it will be more peaceful for me. We still have not ordered the head stone, but Emily and I will do that very soon. It will have a vase for flowers. Emily is having a rough time as well. I know we can and will get thru this, but it will take a long long time. I'm adding a prayer corner
